We recorded the show with no major disasters today. Our intern is back and she was very, very helpful. But after reminding the translators and editor that we really need to stay on top of the schedule especially with the new time restrictions on access to the footage editing rooms and decreased number of producers, the translation team STILL fell behind and three of our first segment stories almost didn't make it on time. Production for our show follows a very specific order. If task one isn't completed, tasks two through eight have to wait. Since we have a deadline, there is absolutely no time to wait. After explaining it countless times, some people still don't get it sometimes. Why is there no leader for our team? I would love to lead, but it's not my place or time yet. The levers I have are very limited, too. Like Lin-sensei says, this year will be one of learning for me: learning to cope, learning the ropes.
She also said that it will be a very lonely year as well. I've been dying to have a good meal with good, old friends, rather than with newspapers and a TV.
I haven't laughed in days. Neither have I smiled from my heart. What an agony this is. I feel like I'm rowing in the rain. Sitting at bow seat, I'm trying to set the boat, but in the wind and rain, the boat just keeps rocking and I'm banging my fingers on the shell every time I'm reaching out or pulling in. We're going against the current and we just can't pick up speed because we can't even grip the oar handles firmly enough. Carrie (our coach) knows but she's still yelling into the megaphone instructing us to slow down the recovery and just pull through. No rush, just pull through it and lean into the rigger, because we can't just quit and go home.
Perhaps this is the mentality I should have right now. No rush, just pull. Take a ten for concentration and another ten for relaxation. Once I stop spinning water and find a lock, then I can apply my power.
I do miss rowing. I miss winning. I miss leading. I miss being appreciated. I miss being cared for.
Tomorrow's another day. I made it through today. I will make it through tomorrow.