Decisions and directions

I decided to stay at FTV. Going to CNA may ruin my reputation faster than building it. And that I can't work independently enough for the job yet. I decided to stay after hearing this and why it's so from my managing director. That's all it took. I only needed to hear it from her. Although I respected her intelligence, I really didn't like her at all from the beginning. But after our long conversation, I feel like I can trust her now. So now she knows the direction I'm trying to go in, and now I know that she cares. I'm sure there will still be some rough times with her, but at least I know who I can learn from. Interesting how things turn out with people one hated in the beginning, huh?

Now that I've decided to stay, I need to switch gears to just cruise and learn the geography. Slowing down is difficult, though. I still haven't gotten the hang of it. Sometimes I just want to just...disappear... I suppose I will concentrate on other things, and go back to practicing art. I miss it.

In the midst of all of this, I had lunch with the director of programming, who is an old colleague of my grandfather's and someone I've become friends with. He told me that our show should be ending at the end of April. I was entirely caught by surprise. Then I told him that I actually want to do general programming and go in the direction of reality TV, so he said I should go straight to the general manager and tell him what I want. He said that the last time I had lunch with him, and I took his advice. I didn't get what I wanted, but at least the GM knows very well who I am and that I exist. So I'm going to go again. We'll see what happens. Haven't got long at all.

My stomach hurts. Ugh. I want to disappear. I have no motivation whatsoever. None to look for stories, none to look pretty.