Monday, 17 August 2009

The end of just the end

With typhoon Morakot having taken so many lives, or put in another way, taken so many lives away from the rest of us who are still living, I've started to think again about the end of things in general.

Lives end, lucky streaks end, bad luck ends, relationships end. All things good and bad come to an end.

Sometimes relationships between people, family, friends end because of death from natural causes, from sickness or from accidents. Sometimes relationships can end because of losing touch and sometimes they end because of antagonistic situations, like a fight or misunderstanding. I've lost a friend (who is still alive, I think) who was one of my best friends in high school, and I don't even know what happened. She won't email anymore. Hasn't for two for three years now, which is two or three lifetimes in email years. I'm guessing she terminated the friendship, probably with a click of the delete button.

Watching the emotional pain of the typhoon victims filmed by news crews brought back feelings of when I lost a good friend to a car accident during college. Being dead just seemed so much easier than having to deal with what went on inside of myself.

After Joanne died, I slowly started learning that people die, people leave, people cut themselves off from us - relationships in the physical world just seem to all end at one point or another. So if the end is all the same and inevitable, therefore the process is what matters? These days that's what I believe. Mourning and sadness is sure inevitable, but what's left over is an abundance of memories. My brain tends to tends to automatically dump bad memories a short while after it comes in, so what I'm left with are happy memories. So I celebrate those memories. I celebrate the life before the death. Life is a process, death is just a point in time. So the end of everything is just the end. But the process of life, of friendship, of romantic love, of being someone's family, of creating a family is the fantastic everything else. I feel that if I can remember to celebrate that fantastic everything else, I think I'll be OK. I think that's how I've been OK.

So in the event that a life or relationship comes to an end, I shall celebrate and celebrate and celebrate what happened before the to my end. If I don't get killed while reporting or by a freak accident and I am dying in bed of sickness or old age, I will have a ton to celebrate - so much to celebrate that I will be happy to die.

How do I mourn a loss? Creatively. I make things up about life after death. No one knows what's after death, therefore it's open to interpretation and imagination, and no one can tell me that I'm wrong. Reincarnating, going to heaven or hell, becoming a god, returning to the universe as energy? All of the above! This is why I don't go to church, temples or mosques - I'll either get tossed out, kicked out, or I'll have to sneak out. Then I'll be banished forever and sent to hell for heresy. I am religious, just not in the conventional way.

No comments: