Emotional Reconstruction

I think there are more than a few loose screws in my head. Everything is falling apart.

I can't think straight and I can't concentrate. I can't sit still long enough even to take ten deep breaths. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool, much like the one in the toilet.

On the way to work today, I was screaming in the car. It must have looked very strange from the next lane. I don't know what I was screaming about, but I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and get rid of something. What the something is, I don't know. Just something. I think I'm losing it.

I've been trying so hard to learn about Taiwan's political situation to be able to report on it. For many mornings now, I've been getting up before 06h00 to be at work before 08h00 to shadow the legislature beat reporters until noon, then working my own shift until 22h00. Getting to know what's going on at the legislature has been very interesting. Like my friend Scott told me once, it's like a soap opera--once you figure out what's going on, it's pretty easy to follow. And Taiwan's political events are so dramatic, it gets pretty funny sometimes. Funny in the sense that many government leaders here behave like children. Footage from the legislature now need to be censored. Imagine that.

Last night, my hopes of covering the political beat were basically squashed, along with what I thought was a great way to get noticed. I didn't want to do dog and pony stories because I didn't think they mean a whole lot and I didn't think they were challenging. So when my producer said she didn't want me doing the political stories that I had proposed, I wanted to break things. Some of the topics weren't that strong, but the ones that were good enough were too sensitive.

I was feeling terribly discouraged and in despair. One of my editors told me that perhaps our producer just doesn't want to do more political stories. Then he said that me doing things like putting on a big orange afro and jumping off a three-meter ledge into a stinky canal, or covering sports events like the the international marathon in Taichung last weekend actually add more value to the show. I thought I was finished. I thought that my brain is going to die from lack of stimulation if I am to do more of these types of stories.

Later this afternoon, I realized that I have been going the wrong way. I should be thinking about what's good for the show and then aligning my goals and tuning my strategy so that they're congruent. That way, there's much less resistance and much more value.

Sports, food, travel, leisure stories are supposed to be fun anyway. Even though I can't work on analysis skills, at least I can work on creativity skills. At this point, I'm not good at reporting anything right now. Everything is so difficult and nothing is routine yet. I'm going to make it my goal to be able to have fun while I'm reporting on these things. The truth is, even though I look like I'm having fun in the story, I'm not. I'm stressed out and it's because I don't know what I'm doing and all the time, I'm trying very hard to figure out what to do next.

Well, fun stories it is. And I'm going to have fun.

Blogging at two in the morning is no good for health or complexion, but at least I have peace of mind now and can finally sleep.

Tomorrow (well, today now), I am off. I am going to clean my room, have lunch with my dear uncle Tsu, buy some CDs and go to my printmaking class. And also think of fun stuff to report on.

If anyone has ideas for fun things to do, good restaurant, anything that's interesting, please email me.